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Lying on my bed in Hospital suffering from Ulcerative Colitis, I realized that I was becoming increasingly paranoid and a bit nuts. I think all the steroids were catching up with me or it could have been the ciclosporin or any number of other drugs I was being pumped full of ! I had a picture of my children in my Hospital room and every time I looked at it I would have no choice but to burst in to tears, and I never normally cry about anything. I was hiding my possessions in different places because I thought they might get stolen, and then when I couldn’t find them I thought they had nicked, which of course they hadn’t I’d just forgotten where I put them ! Luckily I didn’t start accusing people of theft, really just because I was too paranoid to trust anyone. I also thought that the drugs I was on were making my joints bigger, when in fact all that had happened was that I had lost so much weight they looked bigger ! I was also quite seriously thinking of suicide – things had got so bad I wondered if it was worth carrying on, of course I didn’t tell anyone this but at one point If I could have jumped out the window I would have, fortunately I was so weak I couldn’t really get there to do it and anyway the window wouldn’t open enough! Then I had what I would describe as a dark night of the soul, where I lay in absolute agony on my bed in the dark and things became very blank, I had been thinking about death and pain and I seemed to go inside myself or possibly outside myself and there was nowhere for me to go other than where I was, all my thoughts disappeared and I realized that I had to recover, and that I could, that I had more control over my situation that I realized. This was a turning point for me as I realized that I wanted to live, no matter how bad it was, and I very much wanted to be completely recovered from my Ulcerative Colitis without having to lose any organs along the way. This was a very positive shift in my awareness, attitude and intention. I realized that I had to make myself get better regardless of any other treatments that were going on.

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